“Dr. Sean Conley refused to answer reporters’ questions about the last time President Trump tested negative for coronavirus and said, ‘I don’t want to go backwards.’ ‘Oh, I do!’ said Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett.”
Clip of Trump in North Carolina: Somebody came up and said, ‘You’re the most famous person in the world by far.’ I said no I’m not. He said, ‘Who’s more famous?’ I said Jesus Christ.
Jimmy Kimmel: Jesus Christ indeed, is what I would say. Jesus healed the sick, he didn’t infect them with the coronavirus
—Jimmy Kimmel Live
“The Trump administration has created thousands of jobs, if you include every parent who had to become a teacher overnight.”
“The FBI says it thwarted a plot to violently overthrow the government and kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. What??? Did they mean take over the government of Michigan? I’m not sure what that would do—endanger our AC Delco auto parts supply? Lower America‘s strategic reserves of fishing licenses?”
“Looks like Mike Pence has locked up the white suburban mortician vote.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 16, 2020
Note: When discussing the issues of the day with Trump supporters, you’ll always generate goodwill if you constantly refer to them as “Buttercup” while dancing a traditional Alpine jig in a circle around them. Avoid yodeling, though, as they are easily startled. —Hugs, Heloise
By the Numbers:
Days ’til voting ends in the 2020 election: 18
Votes cast on Day 1 in Harris County, Texas (home of Houston), both in-person and mail—a rather gargantuan number, many people are saying: 169,523
Number of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, who returned their absentee ballots in Maine as of Tuesday, according to the Secretary of State’s office: 78,000 / 24,000
Final 2016 Trump-Clinton matchup numbers among seniors via the New York Times average: 49%-44%
Trump-Biden matchup numbers among seniors this year: 46%-51%
Amount Mainers spent on marijuana during the first official weekend of retail sales, generating $25,000 in tax revenue: $250,000
Expected combined share of solar and wind in global energy generation by 2030, up from 8% last year, according to the International Renewable Energy Agency: 30%
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
JEERS to a predictable show. The Senate Judiciary Committee hearings for the Federalist Society’s hand-picked Supreme Court nominee wrapped up yesterday, capping four days of political theater so boring and uneventful that you’d be forgiven for thinking it was a city council meeting to rezone the corner of Main and Mulberry so the new Dairy Queen could move in. The nominee, Amy I. Cantcommentonthat, sat in the hot seat with no notes and patiently took questions from both sides. See if you can notice the subtle variations between the two parties’ lines of inquiry:
Republican Senator: Ma’am, ah ain’t nothin’ but a little ol’ country lawyuh. But I have to ask: what is that perfume y’all’s wearin’? Why, it reminds me of the sweet jasmine that used to tickle my snoot when I’s a boy catching crawdads down by the crick in Pawpatch County. It’s awful purty ma’am…..like yew.
Nominee: Why, Senator, are you flirting with me?
Republican Senator: Maybe I is, and maybe I ain’t. H’yuck, h’yuck.
Democratic Senator: Judge Barrett, I have a question about…
Amy Coney Barrett: Screw you, demon rat. I have the votes.
Up next: the nominee gets approved in committee and then Lindsey Graham gets windburn rushing the paperwork over to the Senate floor so it can be rammed through because why should voters have a say in this decision mere days before an election? Seriously—you peasants are so demanding.
YAWN to surprise attack FAIL. The Trump-Putin alliance had everything coordinated, choreographed, and timed to the second. The October surprises would come fast and furious, sending one torpedo after another into the fragile hull of the S.S. Biden until it sank to the bottom without a trace. With 18 days left, let’s see how that’s working out:
Obamagate “Unmasking” scandal: Dropped by Attorney General Bill Barr because not even he could concoct convincing evidence of wrongdoing.
Hunter Biden email scandal: Wednesday’s New York Post “bombshell” was riddled with so much bullshit that even Twitter and Facebook prevented it from being spread by the conspiracy-sphere. Putin’s biggest disinformation fail in years.
Miracle covid vaccine by election day: Not happening.
With their coffers empty (thank you, Brad Parscale) and polls sinking, all Trump has left are his dynamic closing messages: 1) “Vote for me or I’ll never visit your town again” 2) “Suburban women, will you please like me?” and 3) “Covid is a blessing from God that makes you feel 20 years younger.” Throw in “a chicken in every pot” and, by god, I’m sold.
CHEERS to girls with grenades. Twenty-two years ago today, the dedication of the Women In Military Service Memorial began with a candlelight march starting at the Lincoln Memorial and moving across the Memorial Bridge to Arlington National Cemetery. It was well-received when it officially opened a few days later…
The vast majority of critics highly lauded the Women in Military Service for America Memorial.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution said it “breaks new conceptual ground in paying tribute to U.S. military personnel, much like the Vietnam Veterans Memorial did in 1982.” Gail Russell Chaddock, writing for the Christian Science Monitor, said it was nothing like any other memorial or monument in the city, and singled out the computerized database of women veterans as its greatest strength.
Benjamin Forgey of The Washington Post called it a “resounding success” that “enhances an already splendid setting in a number of ways”. Its greatest strength, he said, was the way in which it was “insistently respectful” of the [existing 1932] Hemicycle and Arlington National Cemetery. He also singled out the “serious,” “uncomplicated and unostentatious” interiors. His lengthy review concluded that the memorial was “a brilliant, sensitive design” and “a memorable public place.”
The memorial is dedicated to women who serve in the Armed Forces in times of war. But also in times of peace, if on the off chance we’re lucky enough to ever have any more of those again.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. On this date in 532, Boniface II ended his reign as Catholic Pope, having finally saved enough money as a part-time farmhand to step down and blow this town to pursue his dream as a Fosse dancer on Broadway. No, wait, wait, wait. Sorry—on this date in 532 he actually died. That’s the last time I trust my history research to Footlooseipedia.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Super great news! Yesterday we went down to Woolworth and tested all our TV tubes in the tube testing machine (by the lunch counter next to the blood pressure cuff machine), and they’re all in great shape for weekend TV viewing. Hot damn!
It starts the usual way, with Joy Reid, Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow sifting through the Friday news dump, followed at 10 by a commercial-free showing of the new documentary The Way I See It, which chronicles photographer Pete Souza’s work for the Reagan and Obama administrations as well as his move toward political activism during the Trump years. At 11 on The Graham Norton Show (BBC America), Ewan McGregor talks about his return to the role of Obi-Wan Kenobi in an upcoming TV series. (If it’s as good as The Mandalorian, I’ll forgive Disney for The Rise of Skywalker.)
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (Aaron Sorkin’s The Trial of the Chicago 7, now streaming on Netflix, is getting boffo reviews.) The NFL schedule is here and the baseball playoff schedule is here. Issa Rae hosts SNL, with musical guest Justin Bieber. On 60 Minutes: Putin’s top rival Alexey Navalny gives his first American interview since he was poisoned. Virtual-school teacher snafus are featured Sunday night on America’s Funniest Home Videos (ABC), while on Fox The Simpsons host their annual Treehouse of Horror—number XXXI this year (and one of the segments includes “a frightening look at the 2020 election”). And at 11 John Oliver primal screams with pinky extended on a new edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Gov. Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI); HHS Secretary Alex Azar; CIDRAP head Michael Osterholm;
This Week: Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and I hope she goes off on George Stephapopalopamouse like she did on Wolf Blitzer; The first RNC chair to contract a deadly virus Ronna Mitt Romney’s Niece; and DFA CEO Yvette Simpson; Chris Christie talks about the dumbfuck way he got covid and almost died like a dog.
Face the Nation: TBA
CNN’s State of the Union: Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE); Gov. JB Pritzker (D-IL); Fareed Zakaria hawks a book.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Pete Buttigieg; Captain of the Titanic…er, Trump campaign Jason Miller.
Ten years ago in C&J: October 16, 2010
JEERS to bringing up a sore subject. A new interview with attorney Harry Whittington—Dick Cheney’s shooting victim—is up. What happened was: Cheney drank a beer up. Then he got camo’d up. Then a car picked him up. Then he arrived where the bird hunt was set up. Moments later a bird flew up. Cheney looked up. Cheney fucked up. Whittington got all shot up.
His face and insides, worse than we ever knew, got tore up. Cheney covered it up. The press got wind of it and the jig was up. With tweezers doctors carefully picked nearly 200 pieces of birdshot up (33 pieces remain, which light airport metal detectors up). Eventually Whittington healed up. But when it came to an apology, Cheney just couldn’t man up. And I just realized something: thinking about Deadeye Dick still makes me wanna throw up.
And just one more…
CHEERS to battling to a back beat. Can’t let today go by without looking back eight years to the night Mitt Romney got pummeled by both President Obama and his own clumsy self. Who can forget “binders full of women,” “Please proceed, Governor” and “Can you say that a little louder, Candy?” With last night’s town halls fresh in our collective consciousness (Biden, on one channel, clobbered Trump, who was on three channels, in the ratings), enjoy this one from 2012 that even George Will called “immeasurably the best debate in 50 years”…songified:
Final electoral-vote tally when the dust cleared on November 6th: 332 to 206. Said Joe Biden eight years later: “Hold my beer.”
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?